Who am I? Who am I to myself and who am I to others? Does their opinion mold and influence who I am? A few questions that have crossed and constantly cross my mind. Well, I am a son, a brother, a student, a lover and more, but who is really me? I’ve struggled, like many teenagers and young adults, most of my life opposing that question so I could be liked or accepted, but I’ve never asked myself directly without keeping in mind what the others might think. What’s acceptable and what’s not. In elementary school many said, because I behaved a certain way that therefore I was gay. Later on in high school just because I wore chokers or painted my nails I was too girly. Everyone chose to believe what they thought of me without asking for my permission. They left me no other choice than to believe it. I never got to find myself on my own terms. Them first, then me. Whether truth or lie, who are they to choose? And they will always think what they want. So I define who I am. I deserve to have a voice in my own conversation. There are days that I feel more feminine and other days that I feel more masculine. There are days that wear jewellery and others that I don’t. And it is okay. One decision, even less a superficial one like what I’m wearing, shouldn’t define my whole spectrum
You define it.
How you identify shouldn’t bother anyone than yourself.
You shouldn’t brand everything you do. We are so different in our own way. The brands will always be roughly, because you can’t fit everyone in one little box. For everyone it’s different. Who you are should be personal to you. You should know, no one else. In conclusion who you are morphs in time and is all always changing, improving and evolving. I am not the same person I was yesterday, who I’m going to be the tomorrow and surely not who I was last year, even last month. So who am I? What I know is that I am what I am in the moment.What’s for sure is that I have to love and embrace him, maintain and care for him.
That is what I’ve come to terms with myself.
To love myself.
Me first.
“Venus and Mars” is a story-telling-like poem about identity. I explain that I’ve always belong somewhere else, even two different planets, but never here. I am a boy from Mars (male planet) and Venus (female planet). Both planets collided together and became one. That means that I like to experiment consciously with my feminine side always rotating both sides depending on how I feel. Contradicting gender rolls. Feeling comfortable in my skin. In astrology Venus’ metal is copper which is my skin, rough skin that was build of hurting and lack of acceptance in which I feel now comfortable. A heart of steal (Mars’) which means that it is resilient for the same reason. My ambiguous self wanders both planets searching for the highest region, Olympus Mons, and sees the Earth. A place so close to me, but still so unfamiliar.
About “I envy”
Final thoughts
I miss the imagery of my childhood that appears so clear and nostalgic on my mind. When I danced, dressed, talked and behaved so freely. Never keeping in mind what others said, because I didn’t care and comprehend. That’s who I am trying to be or at least assimilate to. Being older doesn’t make you necessarily wiser. Even a kid can show things that you just have forgotten.
Words by Gabriele Winter Pereira
Photos and design by Hannah Wolny
KANDAKA 
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